@JESSON: I’m at a crossroads in my life, contemplating marriage. I’ve secured a stable job that provides enough to support a family. But since I’m helping my mom provide for the family, the potential shift seems to have unsettled her, as she appears to feel threatened by my fiancée. Since my father left, my mom has single-handedly raised my siblings and me. As the oldest, I carry a hefty sense of responsibility, especially with my younger siblings still finishing their college degrees. My mother often reminds me of the sacrifices she made to get me through school, and she’s not shy about criticizing my fiancée. She claims my fiancée is a bad influence, even though she is flourishing in her career as a financial adviser. This has left me feeling caught between my loyalty to my family and my commitment to my future wife. I’d appreciate any advice or insights on how to navigate this complex situation.
DJ: Since you’re already of age, I suggest you choose what truly matters to you in terms of personal fulfillment and future aspirations. Supporting your family doesn’t have to come at the expense of starting a new one. By setting the right expectations and boundaries, you can love them both without turning the situation into a reality show where there always has to be conflict.
“Utang na loob” is a Filipino value that doesn’t have an accurate translation in English, often referred to as a “debt of gratitude.” But it goes beyond that. Unlike a simple debtor-debtee relationship, it’s more than just about monetary or material offerings. It’s a card often drawn when loyalty or a perpetual connection is implied or required.
I know that dealing with this card is not easy. Through the experiences of people I know, it seems to have two sides: the good and the abused. While you might feel you don’t owe your mom anything — after all, parenting is a choice — you still owe her to some extent. She saw you through thick and thin.
Why not have an honest conversation with her? Your family is important, as is your relationship with your fiancée. Ideally, you shouldn’t have to choose between them. If anyone tries to make you feel that way, they may be unfairly using the gaslighting card, which is a form of abuse.
Helping your mom and siblings isn’t obligatory like a legal contract, nor can it be demanded. Instead, it’s an expression of care for those who have cared for you. Forcing reciprocity suggests that the initial act of caring wasn’t genuine, as it shouldn’t be coerced or done with the expectation of repayment. The card you pick doesn’t need to be the same as the one someone else draws, whether it’s your mom or your fiancée.
Consider proposing a family budget that includes contributions from all members. This can help your mom see that everyone can pitch in, alleviating some of her worries. Your younger siblings might also be able to contribute through part-time work, scholarships or online gigs or virtual assistant opportunities. Highlight how your fiancée, like your family, inspires you to be better. Suggest a gradual transition where you continue to support your family while slowly integrating your fiancée into family life.
Misunderstandings can happen. But what sets family apart is the feeling of home. “Utang na loob” doesn’t mean giving everything that’s asked. It’s a promise to care for one another, which sometimes includes setting limits for everyone’s best interests. Stay true to your values and what matters most to you. Ultimately, the choice to owe your mom, or to decide where to draw the balance, is yours alone.
